HE LOVES ME NOT

Lo and behold, truth be told,the petals have spoken- he loves me not. 

I have always known and have already felt it for the longest time; but as huge of a hopeless romantic as I was, I continued to hope. Hope that all the words of love and promises spoken at the start still ring true, and that we're "soulmates",just like how he would say it. He used to make me melt,and during the latter part of our story,he still did. So I kept convincing myself-- he loves me.

I am far from perfect and I know that. Im the girl who usually runs late,who's always running out of time, who juggles things and issues greater in number than the fingers on my hands, scared of the unknown and whining,the girl who worries about something that hasnt happened yet, who sets goals too scary for one person to handle. An ambitious dreamer,so to speak.,I have always planned for us two,and it seemed to scare the wits out of him. He started to falter, suggested I find somebody better. My heart cracked,oh God--he loves me not.

But inlove, a woman's hope runs deep,bottomless even. F*ck our imperfections! We've accepted thay Im never going to be a prototype of a stepford wife. And him, he's not most likely going to quote me poetry or shower me with gold or have the tamest of temper, but he's still holding my hand and tells me he loves me. He would still make me melt and laugh with the shallowest of things and all these were enough for me. Yes,i repeated to myself--he loves me.

But fooling yourself could only go so far. I know deep inside he doesn’t love me, as me-the person, but maybe just the "idea of me". Planning marriage and details of the future was just made just because the feeling of having the idea of "the future" to look forward to was just too warm and awesome in the inside to resist. Just like fairytales, everything was just make-believe. 

The cat is out of the bag, there's somebody else--he loves me not.

Hearing it for the first time was numbing. It confused me with the feeling of wanting life to end and fighting for dear life both at the same time. It just wasnt right. I felt like he was just waiting for something better to come along, keeping me on hold until he finally found it. Like a yoyo: release and catch over and over until he has found a game he'll be able to play better. It only took another sad person's shoulder to make him do a full 360 turn. And just like that-snap-he's weak on the knees inlove again, but this time on another girl--he loves me not

From him, I quote, "I was weak". He was always vulnerable to the tendency of falling for people right beside him. I believe it was not a matter of human nature alone, but it also was a matter of choice, his damn choice. Strength drew out of him the moment he re-defined our relationship as a costly routine, where he sees love is no longer an emotion, but rather an obligation. He would always make it feel like he had bitten off more than he could chew. I have told him that for "us" to work, we need to be "more", but I can't seem to inspire him to be more. He was unwilling to meet me halfway. I know because he has too many excuses before he even tries.
He had already drawn the line, I am just not worth the extra effort--he loves me not.

The bitter,cold reality is that no person could possibly steal or snatch anybody from you. Truth is he was already prepared to leave a long time ago, and the girl was just the plane ticket excuse to go. 

Truth had always been there staring me in the eye,I was just too stubborn to make the eye contact. The flower petals have run out, and the stems, they unfortunately dont count. This is a bright,new and better start. I can see clearly now,Iam off the leash, this is a blessing in disguise, all because he loves me not.

★Helen :)